notes to myself

Assalamualaikum...

This post I've written about a year ago after Ramadhan ended. It was a great feeling at that time with memories of Pgcc, memories of Ramadhan and many more related to endless blessings. I really hope one fine day, we'll be back in Pgcc, InshaAllah.

I think I have a good life right now. I could go to the mosque everyday with my lovely husband. Always enjoying our good times together without worrying others to judge us. Always making jokes to ourselves.

Even though, we have not been granted with kids yet, we have been granted with so many endless blessings with every passing day. Alhamdulillah. For the past years, i always thought having kids would make our lives more fun, more pahala to earn as in being a mother, more knowledge to gain and so on and on. Anyhow, after going through the 29-day of Ramadhan this year, i graduated with a new meaning on top of all my goals in becoming a better servant and a humble 'abd and khalifah to Allah. The top goal we should strive for is utilising all the nikmat that Allah has been granted to us. I should feel content on with what i have and what i don't have as well. Stop worrying on those things especially things we do not know when and where we'll be having. Just think what are we going to do with all the rizq, people, things around us to be more happy and feel satisfied.

Sometimes, if i sit quietly for a moment, i'd say to myself, "my life has been so good up until now, i can pray fajr peacefully, doing the terawih as i planned, listen and embrace the essence of tazkirah everyday, and no one judging me explicitly or even implicitly."

So, for a moment when i'm so sad when the period comes after a few days delaying in a way of hoping it's going to have little someone inside there, i'd say to myself Allah is here, and always here with me no matter what. He is the one who controls my heart, my emotions, i just have to be strong and believe and never stop believing that He is the best planner after all. We plan so much in a way what we do want and what we don't too thus we've thought our plans is the best plan of all, but Allah always has the surprising ways to show His mercy, His love, His barakah in our own needs. 

So, don't put too much energy on being sad and hopeless because Allah is never ever giving up of granting us with His mercy and love, which is the best love in our own needs of capacity. 

Ya Allah, ya rabb, please help me to be a better servant to You, ya Allah. 

and i know, one day or someday, there will be little someone who would love to be in there inside me. and i know Allah swt knows me and Allah knows what i can bear or what i could not. Me myself cannot decide what is the best for me even though technically speaking i am the closest person to myself, actually Allah knows better than i do.

 yup, for sure Allah knows.

take care, you and myself.